When Saying No Is the Most Loving Thing You Can Do
Late one night, you might find yourself asking: “What do I owe someone who hurt me?” That question is behind the story I shared in Newsweek about a sister refusing to donate her kidney to a sibling who had bullied her for years. It wasn’t just a medical choice—it was an emotional boundary, and that’s what resonates with so many of us.
What the article gets right
It captures the complexity of mixed loyalty: wanting to save a life while facing decades of emotional scars. In my quote, I emphasized that “she must assess how she’d feel”—because physical health and emotional safety are deeply linked.
What the article doesn’t capture
That inner tug isn’t selfish—it’s survival. Family pressure can feel like a second wave of trauma. I see in my clinical work how often people feel obligated to protect others at the expense of their own boundaries. But giving a kidney isn’t the same as sharing a meal—it’s a permanent, life-altering decision.
How this shows up in therapy
Clients often bring this dilemma under different circumstances: “Why do I feel guilty for saying no?” or “I feel responsible for their emotions.” We explore how our past experiences shape these responses. Setting a boundary can be healing—even if it means disappointing others who’ve wounded us. It’s not about being unkind; it’s about honoring your own well-being.
Beyond the tips
If you’re wrestling with guilt or relief after making a difficult “no,” try journaling: write a letter to your younger self who first carried that pain. Ask her what she needed. You don’t have to delete the guilt—but you can learn what it meant. That insight can help you move forward with compassion for both yourself and those you’ve been pushed to save.
If any part of this story feels familiar—holding trauma in silence, wrestling with obligation—you’re not alone. That knot in your chest is your quiet wisdom saying, “This isn’t right for me.” Therapy can be a space to untangle it.
I guide clients to stand their ground with care—for themselves and others. If you’re ready to feel steadier not just for them, but for you, I’m here. In my approach, we don’t just heal—it’s reclaiming your voice in relationships that once stole it.
Want more insights on family boundaries and emotional healing? Read more blog posts or book a consultation .
